I'm going crazy...

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|-= Alex's LifE Status v.0.9 =- |
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[M]o.o.d: Indescribably complex
[L]i.s.t.e.n.i.n.g. [T].o: Soul Asylum - Runaway Train
[S]t.u.p.i.d [T].h.i.n.g: Everything.
[S]m.a.r.t [T].h.i.n.g: Dealing with what's going on.
[L]i.k.e.d: Finally seeing Caro Wednesday.
[D]i.s.l.i.k.e.d: What's happening to me...
[G]o.o.d [C].l.a.s.s: Gym.
[B]a.d [C].l.a.s.s: None.
[M]: No [T]: 0
[T]o.d.a.y's [M].e.s.s.a.g.e: "Somehow I'm neither here nor there"
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Ugh...I don't know what's up with me... I can't even describe explaining it in words... I've been having a crappy week, probably the result of the past week's stress. I'm having daily diarrhea in the morning, so I couldn't go to my two chemistry classes Tuesday and today.

I am extremly depressed... I haven't been this depressed for as long as I can remember. I feel as if my life has been a complete mistake since the first day, and that I made all the wrong choices. For example, I've now realized that I need to take 8 courses in my last JAC semesters, including 4 tough science courses... I originally wanted BIO2 and ORGANIC2 to be part of them...but now I realize that those wouldn't help me for computer science or engineering at all. I want to take CalIII or LinearII, but I'd much rather take those courses in university...and they are hard, and I really want a final mega-boost in 4th semester. I'm thinknig instead of taking Stats...the teacher is super easy and the course is pathetic. And univerisites don't care...it'll just raise my R-score... but lately I've been thinking about chaging Organic Chemistry 2 with Forensic Chemistry.... the teacher seems cool, and the class is much more fun and interesting... but still, it just feels weird, as if I'm becoming some kind of "Social science freak".

I'm also angry at myself for missing many classes these last two weeks...but I can't say it's my fault, as in voluntarily missing them. It seems everything is working against me! How can I go to class when I shit non-stop from 7AM till 9AM? I can't possibly bring a potty in the bus. It really sucks. I'm really glad that I got the best grade in the class on my math exam, and all I have to do is do good on the next phyics and chemistry (>80) and then I should have all my science grades >80%, without counting in the final. But sometimes I feel like I might just lose it at the last moment.

I feel empty as if nothing matters anymore and as if I can just throw everything in the air and start over. Thoughts like dropping out of school and just managing my own company and moving to somewhere isolated in some weird country. Then I remember how much I love/need my girlfriend...she's the only one keeping me alive right now...just thinking about her makes me get a grip on myself again...and seeing her is like a gift every day. It's too bad she has so many exams these weeks, or else I would take her out in the most wonderful places...I hope I'll be able to do that this Christmas...it's pretty rare for someone to be so in love after such a long time, but I still am, and I'm glad about it...I feel like I always have...

I have got to pick myself up together next Monday... Saturday it's Bonnie's birthday party and I'll probably go to my girlfriend's house... seeing children makes me feel better, and so will seeing caro. I guess I should be fine after that. I'm also making good progress in ReactOS, and it's one more thing keeping me focused and not completely becoming a bum.

However, I think all this might also be caused by sleep deprivation. Lately, I've slept only 4 hours a night, and that's really not enough. It's a 50% reduction in normal sleep time, and I bet it's one of the reasons making me so fucked up. It happened last semester before, so I think I just need to force myself to sleep earlier. But it's a viciious circle...I just have to find a way to break it. But it's scary. Last night I was in the bus going home, fully awake, and then i suddently felt a pain in my eye and felt myself falling down and getting immediately back up (i fell down on the window handle of the bus, which banged my eye, insantly woke me up, and made me go back to raised position). Then 3 minutes later, the same thing happens, except this time the hit is on my eyebrow. It's as if my body totally shutdowns, and only the pain of the impact wakes me up. Anyways, it's morning now and my eye still hurts...I think it was completely squished.

Let me to continue to pour even more. My dad lost his job a couple of months ago, but he still hasn't found anything new..it's almost been 6 months, and I get the feeling that all he does is stay home and watch TV. I remember how incompetent he is to get out of his chair and actualyl get a job...if it wouldn't have been for my mom when they were still married, my dad would've never went to high up. Now I don't know what his gf is doing except not having any job at all. My mom probably won't get her residency till Summer 2005, but my dad's severance package ends in March 2005...so after that w'e'll have no more money at all. My mom getting a job also seems harder now...I always thought Quebec was guarnateed, but it turns out only like 17 immigrants per year get a residency...and some places instantly refuse you if you haven't been in active practive for 5 years. And in the US nobody gave her a pre-match, so how knows. By the way, did I mention my dad doesn't have a Visa anymore so he can't even leave the US anymore, and I'm not even sure if that makes his stay there even legal.

That could be all, but that's not all. I also found out that one of my best friend's parents divorced, that they are completely broke and that her mom lost her visa. Since her dad is in another country, he wants to bring her back and her siblings so he can pay for them either. Maybe I shouldn't care so much, but this is a very good friend of mine and one of the only normal people that I've met lately...I don't have many friends, and I've lost a lot this year (because in my opinion, they werne't good friends), so it always hurts me to lose someone. It also brings painful memories of the past, when I've had other close friends leave...it also reminds me of the time I was supposed to leave, and how I felt during those times...and it finalyl reminds me of all the times that Caro almost left, and how bad I've felt. I don't even want to imagine what I would've done in that case...probably hijack the airplane and bring her back... I really couldn't afford one more person leaving my life...especially someone that I lost so much. So because my friend is leaving, I have this thought in my mind that the people I love in my life will all leave and I'll be all alone...I don't want to lose my gf to another country...and I don't want to lose one of the last few friends I still decided to keep...

In short, this has been one of the most fucked up weeks in my life.

So tired that I couldn't even sleep
So many secrets I couldn't keep
Promised myself I wouldn't weep
One more promise I couldn't keep

It seems no one can help me now
I'm in too deep
There's no way out
This time I have really led myself astray

Runaway train never going back
Wrong way on a one way track
Seems like I should be getting somewhere
Somehow I'm neither here no there

Can you help me remember how to smile
Make it somehow all seem worthwhile
How on earth did I get so jaded
Life's mystery seems so faded

I can go where no one else can go
I know what no one else knows
Here I am just drownin' in the rain
With a ticket for a runaway train

Everything is cut and dry
Day and night, earth and sky
Somehow I just don't believe it

Bought a ticket for a runaway train
Like a madman laughin' at the rain
Little out of touch, little insane
Just easier than dealing with the pain

Runaway train never comin' back
Runaway train tearin' up the track
Runaway train burnin' in my veins
Runaway but it always seems the same